>>7350
Glad you enjoyed it. My bad if I detracted a little too hard from what you were originally posting about.
>>7353
You're not going too far at all and what you are saying is fairly inline with my own reasoning, as well as with the pillowtalk I had with him about it last year. He and I both understand it's probably something born from good intentions and my own frustration at not being able to take away what happened to him. But I don't know how helpful it'd be to push myself and flesh it out in detail. When the scenario pops up, it's usually a fairly intense burst of bad feels mixed with unwanted horny--and I have a hard rule about not letting "guilty horny" into my routines, if that makes sense. It's not something I'm really comfortable delving into.
And frankly, I'm fairly certain I understand why I have the fantasy. I hate her and some part of me just wants to see her suffer the worst possible pain, by her own kindhearted brother that would've died for her had she not humiliated and degraded him. I understand in my higher reasoning that it's wrong, and that it would accomplish nothing, and that she's not worth destroying our lives over. But in the base sense--yeah, it feels raw and gratifying in a messed up way.
Religion and the monthly talk with the therapist gives me the generic advice of letting go and forgiving the abuser, but honestly I think there's an absolute limit in my case of how much I can move past it. I don't think I can internally forgive someone that abused him from the time of his earliest memories until he was old enough to fight back--and now has the absolute fucking gall to cry "internalized misogyny", "lack of emotional intelligence", and "all men are evil and fundamentally can't be abused" when you call her out on her shit. And even if I could move past it, he still has night terrors about her all these years later. They don't happen as frequently as when we met, but it's absolutely heartrending when they happen. There's no way I can be at peace with what she did to him while my other half--the one who was actually abused--still has to suffer from it.
Sorry if it sounds like I'm minimizing your advice and your desire to help. I'm the one who brought this up and I really appreciate all you listening and not finger-wagging at me. But I think we can live with it, even if we'll never entirely get past it.
All things considered, I like to think we have a really good life. I'm glad I got him away from his abuser and her family of enablers and that he doesn't have to see any of them ever again. I'm glad I have an amazing man that loves me and doesn't project the abuse he endured onto others. And I'm glad he indulges me in all of my weird dirty talk requests about 2D drawings cucking me, even if we don't engage in the IRL cuckqueaning lifestyle for a variety of reasons. I just hope that if we ever have kids that we can give them all the love we never had growing up.
>>7354